Quinnie and Me by Keith

I did some special drills with Quinnie today. First we did The Respectful Nod. I pretended I was the Ref first of all, and he showed me how to do it. Then we switched.

" I've warned you about that. " he said. He was talking like my old headmaster. "Once more and I'm going to the pocket. "

" Yes Ref ! Sorry ! "
"Good, Keith, good. If you want to you can lay a manful hand on his shoulder, you can do that. Don't overplay it though. "
" Yes Quinny."
" Maybe just stick to the Rueful Smile and shake of the head, for now, anyway."
"Yes Quinny."

We went on to the Who me? What? Drill

"Ok, so what do we think about ? " Quinnie asked.
" The time Johnny Daly told the teacher I farted even though he did."
" Thats right. Ready? Hands off red! Hands OFF, RED ! "
I pointed at meself .
" Who? Me?"
"Good, good. Only this time, don't say it, just think it, OK? "
"Yes Quinny."
"Again !"

Finally we did the Didja See That, Didya? drill.

"Ok, so where do we position ourselves?"
" In the sightline of a referee or other official, Quinnie. "
" And..."
"And exagerate any contact."
"Good. And do not..."
"Do not point or otherwise seem to look for a penalty. "
"Excellent. Although with time, you can make a judgement call on that, like I did with Pelous last year."
" Yes Quinny."
" Ok, I'll brush you with my shoulder, and you fall over. Ready? Annnnnd, go."
I fell over and pretended I was dead for a second.
" Was that okay, Quinnie?"
"Perfect, Keith, perfect. We'll practice your 'Wha' happened?' look tomorrow."
"Thank you Quinnie."
"Any time, Keith. It is my duty to pass on the fruits of my experience to the younger generation. Some day you will pass these secrets on too."

When I am big, I want to be Quinnie.

Team Meeting Coolness by Luke

I have to say, there isn't a lot of signs of nervousness among the guys. This morning we had a meeting in the players lounge. Devin was playing to a few of the guys on the grand piano. Something classical. He was telling Leo it was for Elise. I said I knew a girl named Elise from Foxrock, was that her? 'For Elise, by Beethoven', he said. I grinned like I'd been joking. I think he bought it.

My Cuz was sitting listening to his ipod. I could hear it was the soundtrack to 'The Omen.' He loves that. Hates to be disturbed though, when he's listening to it.

I moved on to Rocky, who was sitting in one of the leather backed armchairs by the fire with a glass of brandy, having a read of the property pages of last weeks Irish Times.
"Luke, " he said to me. " Its time to get my feet wet again, I think. How much lower can it go, seriously? How far away is Roscommon, I mean really, how far? At home, it'd be a suburb."
I took the newspaper off him.
"Roscommon is like the outback, Rocky. Only not as hospitable. Remind me again while you're here, and not sunning yourself on Bondi Beach?"
"You're right, you're right " He sighed and nodded, disappointed, picked up the motoring section instead. It was harsh, but it had to be said. I left him to it, giving the newspaper to one of the butlers to destroy.

By the espresso bar, CJ had taken off his shoe and sock, and Felipe was holding a stethoscope to it, nodding all serious like while CJ told him he thought it felt much better.
"Si." He said eventually. " Keep the weight off it and watch out for Quinlan at the weekend."
I caught his eye and he came over to me while CJ tied his lace.
" It make him feel better." He said, looking a little embarrassed. "I tell him I hear the healing."
"Will he be ok for Saturday?"
"Madre de Dios, how should I know?" He asked me "Do I look like a chiropodist?"
He went to get a coffee before I could figure out what to say to that.

Michael Cheika caught my arm then and pulled me away, said he had something important to ask me about. He took me into the atrium.
"Luke, I need your opinion on something." He said. " This is very important so I want you to be totally honest with me."
I knew it. Fullback. Sorry, Rob, but every cloud. I was getting ready to tell him that I was so up for it when he turned around and lifted his jacket.
" What do you think of these jeans ?" he goes. " They're by Desigual. Thinking of getting distribution rights? Not too girlie, are they?"
I stare at his arse.
"No." I said quietly. " I like them. Especially the embroidery."
" Great." He said, making a note in his filo-fax. "Thanks man, I knew I could rely on you. Lets go back in. Alan's about to start."

The Gaffney was standing by a whiteboard. Michael joined him, checked he was ready. Then he tinked on a champagne flute with his pen to get everyone's attention.
"Right guys." He says. " I think we all know we're up against it this Saturday but I'm here to tell you that we've identified a serious weakness we can exploit in their set-up. Alan."
Everyone leaned forward. This was it, the key to finally beating them.
" Three words for you boys. " He turned to the board and started writing. "Target. O. Gara. "

Everyone sat back again.

And sighed.

Minutes

Chair - Comrades! Thank you for coming along, Comrade P, Comrade X, Comrade Y and, errr, welcome Comrade K to your first party meeting. Now, our first order of business
the recent visit of Comrade P to the so called Aras of the so called Uachtarain.

Comrade P - Thanks. As you know, lads, I undertook to travel to the lair of the capitalist oppressors, Dublin, in order to try and convince Martin Mc Aleese to use his influence with Unionists to overthrow the sectarian D'Hondt system of ministerial allocation as this is preventing the proper formation of class conciousness among the fine working class men and women of the North....

Comrade K - Can I get a quarter pounder, Paulie?

Comrade P - In a minute, Comrade. I managed to get Mr Mc Aleese isolated in a corner and proceeded to give him a detailed Marxist analysis of the failures of the Northern Executive.

Comrade X - How did he take it?

Comrade P - His eyes glazed over but he had not reached the drooling stage before we were interrupted by the President. In order to maintain my cover I had to revert to sterotypical behaviour. I told her 'Yer husband is some man for one man. What a load of balls, like.'.

Comrade Y - How did she take it ?

Comrade P. - Her eyes glazed over, but she didn't drool.

Comrade K - Can I get the happy meal, Paulie?

Comrade P - In a minute. I then moved into the realm of analogy, pointing out the sitaution in the North would be like allocating places on the Munster team by size of club. Under D'Hondt, as a Young Munster Man, I might not even make the team.

Chair - Good one, Comrade P. But lets remember we are all party men first and foremost.

Comrade X - Hear Hear, Chair. As a Shannon man myself, I never put the fact that we deservedly whipped Garryowen last week above my loyalty to the party.

Comrade Y - I admit to no superior in my loyalty to the party, but I would like to point out that the game was played in a gale which constantly blew in the faces of the Garryowen men, and this was the deciding factor in the ultimate result. And if its whippins we're talkin' about, wasn't 25 points last year a proper whippin' ?

Comrade X - Running DOG !

Comrade Y - SPLITTIST !

Chair - ORDER ! ORDER !

Security Guard - Lads, I'm afraid I'll have to ask the five of ye to leave. Ye're disturbing the other customers.

Comrade K- Can I get my happy meal to go then, Paulie?

Comrade X - ' THERE IS AN ISLE...."

Comrade P - *Sigh*. Yes Keith.

Fresh Meat by Quinny

Har Har. Yer a right funny bunch altogether. No, I wasn't in Ballinrobe, and no, that's not myself showin' a fair turn of speed in the black cap.
If anyone has that farmer's phone number, though, I'd like to make him an offer for the bull. Lively fella, isn't he?

The Mumps

So called over to Rob's house with a bottle of 7up and a box of roses. He was lying in his bedroom with the curtains drawn.
"Luke? Is that you, Luke?"
He couldn't recognise me because of the surgical mask, ya know? No need to take any chances.
"Hey Robbo, how you doin' ?"
" How do you think I'm doin'? I can't move me neck, me jaws kiling me, me nads are swollen and I'm completely dehydrated."
" Just like playing Munster, then?"
He didn't see the funny side.
"I thought your plums didn't swell until a few days after the primary infection, if then?" I asked.
He looked at me.
" I may have had a chat with Dr. Phil before I came over." I admitted.
"Hmm. Anyway, that may be true of normal mumps but I seem to have primary and secondary symptoms all at the same time."
I could see where this was going.
" Is that your new Audi out the front ?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"All at the same time, Luke ! I'm cursed, is what it is, cursed!"
"Don't be stupid. You've just been unlucky, is all."
I decided that this had gone on long enough.
"Rob." I told him, " This has to stop. He's only human."
"No, no. " he said, forgetting for a moment and trying to shake his head. It was funny, but this was a team-mate in trouble.
So I told him a few home truths. I spoke about the lack of a schools rugby medal. I made him admit that he had thought that maybe, just maybe, the Cuz had been carrying a bit of weight last season. Finally, I showed him that old O2 Ad (I have it stored on my ipod) several times. Even he had to smile.
By the time I left he was feeling better. It's good to do something nice for the afflicted. No wonder Dr. Phil is a Dr.
I stopped to admire the new Audi in the drive on the way back to my car. Then the skies darkened, and a loud buzzing noise filled the air.
As I drove away, a swarm of locusts was stripping the paint off it.

Unlucky, that's all.

Keiths Tour Diary

It did not feel like we had won the game.

Most days we are players who suffer for the team.

Last night we were a team who were suffering for a player.

Get better soon, Tomas.

MESSAGE FROM HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED

THIS SIGHT PLEASETH ME NOT.
I DECLARE IT AN ABOMINATION ONTO MY PEOPLE.
THAT IS ALL.