African Facts by Keith

I have been given a job ! Paulie asked me to compile some interesting facts about Africa so that we will all have learned something before we go home. I stood up this morning to the Irish lads after some boring talking by some scottish fella.

" Keith's amazing facts about Africa. One! " I siad "Four of the five fastest land animals live in Africa – the cheetah, which can run at an amazing 70 miles per hour, wildebeest, lion and gazelle."
" Well no wonder Habana and the backs is so fast." Ugo said.
" Two " I said "Africa is the home of the Human spe...., spekeye, er, spush, er... Race, which developed there about 5 million years ago! "
" And if Burger is anything to go by, stopped developing there soon after. " Donners said.
"I hear that ! " Luke said.
" We all heard that, like, Luke." I said. " He's only sittin' over there."
"Go on Keith." Paulie Said. " Don't mind them messers."
"Right." I says. " Ahem. Three. Many children in Africa don’t get to go to school. If you grew up in Mali in west Africa, you’d only have a one in three chance of havin' to go to primary school. " I looked around. " How lucky are they, like? "
"Daycint " Donners says.
" Luke, err, maybe it isn't a good thing...." Stephen Jones started to say, but the lads hushed him.
I decided to keep going.
" Four - The Banjo like what Flanners pretends to play started off in Africa as an instrument called the hodu ! "
"Hodu ? Dey do !" Donners said. "Hur hur! "
"I wondered if it isn't too late to send every Banjo back to Africa and forget it ever happened?" asked Wally.
" Considering all the good music that's come out of Africa, I guess you have to forgive them for it." Hairy Welsh Fella said.
" You've obviously never seen the Wolfe Tones. " Wally said.
"African, are they? " HWF said.
" Five." I said " The Nile is the longest River in the world. If you straightened out all the bends, it would flow from the Equator to the Scottish Highlands ! This is a very long way indeed." I said.
" It sure is. " Ross Ford said. " Especially if you had to swim it. "
Everyone looked at him.
"Why would you have to swim it? " Paulie asked.
"Well, I dunno, just sayin' it would be. "
"Ok then. Sure. Good." Paulie said. " Now , everyone. What have we learned?"

There was a consultation. Eventually they decided they had learned that The Wolfe Tones should be sent to Africa to play banjos while Schalk Burger is chased by cheetahs and PDV made to swim the length of the Nile before being given a job as a teacher in Mali.

" I think he'd be happier there alright. " Paulie said, nodding.
"Well done Keith. " He said then.
Then he patted my back and gave me a chuppa chup.
I love Paulie.