Quinnie and Me by Keith

I did some special drills with Quinnie today. First we did The Respectful Nod. I pretended I was the Ref first of all, and he showed me how to do it. Then we switched.

" I've warned you about that. " he said. He was talking like my old headmaster. "Once more and I'm going to the pocket. "

" Yes Ref ! Sorry ! "
"Good, Keith, good. If you want to you can lay a manful hand on his shoulder, you can do that. Don't overplay it though. "
" Yes Quinny."
" Maybe just stick to the Rueful Smile and shake of the head, for now, anyway."
"Yes Quinny."

We went on to the Who me? What? Drill

"Ok, so what do we think about ? " Quinnie asked.
" The time Johnny Daly told the teacher I farted even though he did."
" Thats right. Ready? Hands off red! Hands OFF, RED ! "
I pointed at meself .
" Who? Me?"
"Good, good. Only this time, don't say it, just think it, OK? "
"Yes Quinny."
"Again !"

Finally we did the Didja See That, Didya? drill.

"Ok, so where do we position ourselves?"
" In the sightline of a referee or other official, Quinnie. "
" And..."
"And exagerate any contact."
"Good. And do not..."
"Do not point or otherwise seem to look for a penalty. "
"Excellent. Although with time, you can make a judgement call on that, like I did with Pelous last year."
" Yes Quinny."
" Ok, I'll brush you with my shoulder, and you fall over. Ready? Annnnnd, go."
I fell over and pretended I was dead for a second.
" Was that okay, Quinnie?"
"Perfect, Keith, perfect. We'll practice your 'Wha' happened?' look tomorrow."
"Thank you Quinnie."
"Any time, Keith. It is my duty to pass on the fruits of my experience to the younger generation. Some day you will pass these secrets on too."

When I am big, I want to be Quinnie.

Team Meeting Coolness by Luke

I have to say, there isn't a lot of signs of nervousness among the guys. This morning we had a meeting in the players lounge. Devin was playing to a few of the guys on the grand piano. Something classical. He was telling Leo it was for Elise. I said I knew a girl named Elise from Foxrock, was that her? 'For Elise, by Beethoven', he said. I grinned like I'd been joking. I think he bought it.

My Cuz was sitting listening to his ipod. I could hear it was the soundtrack to 'The Omen.' He loves that. Hates to be disturbed though, when he's listening to it.

I moved on to Rocky, who was sitting in one of the leather backed armchairs by the fire with a glass of brandy, having a read of the property pages of last weeks Irish Times.
"Luke, " he said to me. " Its time to get my feet wet again, I think. How much lower can it go, seriously? How far away is Roscommon, I mean really, how far? At home, it'd be a suburb."
I took the newspaper off him.
"Roscommon is like the outback, Rocky. Only not as hospitable. Remind me again while you're here, and not sunning yourself on Bondi Beach?"
"You're right, you're right " He sighed and nodded, disappointed, picked up the motoring section instead. It was harsh, but it had to be said. I left him to it, giving the newspaper to one of the butlers to destroy.

By the espresso bar, CJ had taken off his shoe and sock, and Felipe was holding a stethoscope to it, nodding all serious like while CJ told him he thought it felt much better.
"Si." He said eventually. " Keep the weight off it and watch out for Quinlan at the weekend."
I caught his eye and he came over to me while CJ tied his lace.
" It make him feel better." He said, looking a little embarrassed. "I tell him I hear the healing."
"Will he be ok for Saturday?"
"Madre de Dios, how should I know?" He asked me "Do I look like a chiropodist?"
He went to get a coffee before I could figure out what to say to that.

Michael Cheika caught my arm then and pulled me away, said he had something important to ask me about. He took me into the atrium.
"Luke, I need your opinion on something." He said. " This is very important so I want you to be totally honest with me."
I knew it. Fullback. Sorry, Rob, but every cloud. I was getting ready to tell him that I was so up for it when he turned around and lifted his jacket.
" What do you think of these jeans ?" he goes. " They're by Desigual. Thinking of getting distribution rights? Not too girlie, are they?"
I stare at his arse.
"No." I said quietly. " I like them. Especially the embroidery."
" Great." He said, making a note in his filo-fax. "Thanks man, I knew I could rely on you. Lets go back in. Alan's about to start."

The Gaffney was standing by a whiteboard. Michael joined him, checked he was ready. Then he tinked on a champagne flute with his pen to get everyone's attention.
"Right guys." He says. " I think we all know we're up against it this Saturday but I'm here to tell you that we've identified a serious weakness we can exploit in their set-up. Alan."
Everyone leaned forward. This was it, the key to finally beating them.
" Three words for you boys. " He turned to the board and started writing. "Target. O. Gara. "

Everyone sat back again.

And sighed.

Minutes

Chair - Comrades! Thank you for coming along, Comrade P, Comrade X, Comrade Y and, errr, welcome Comrade K to your first party meeting. Now, our first order of business
the recent visit of Comrade P to the so called Aras of the so called Uachtarain.

Comrade P - Thanks. As you know, lads, I undertook to travel to the lair of the capitalist oppressors, Dublin, in order to try and convince Martin Mc Aleese to use his influence with Unionists to overthrow the sectarian D'Hondt system of ministerial allocation as this is preventing the proper formation of class conciousness among the fine working class men and women of the North....

Comrade K - Can I get a quarter pounder, Paulie?

Comrade P - In a minute, Comrade. I managed to get Mr Mc Aleese isolated in a corner and proceeded to give him a detailed Marxist analysis of the failures of the Northern Executive.

Comrade X - How did he take it?

Comrade P - His eyes glazed over but he had not reached the drooling stage before we were interrupted by the President. In order to maintain my cover I had to revert to sterotypical behaviour. I told her 'Yer husband is some man for one man. What a load of balls, like.'.

Comrade Y - How did she take it ?

Comrade P. - Her eyes glazed over, but she didn't drool.

Comrade K - Can I get the happy meal, Paulie?

Comrade P - In a minute. I then moved into the realm of analogy, pointing out the sitaution in the North would be like allocating places on the Munster team by size of club. Under D'Hondt, as a Young Munster Man, I might not even make the team.

Chair - Good one, Comrade P. But lets remember we are all party men first and foremost.

Comrade X - Hear Hear, Chair. As a Shannon man myself, I never put the fact that we deservedly whipped Garryowen last week above my loyalty to the party.

Comrade Y - I admit to no superior in my loyalty to the party, but I would like to point out that the game was played in a gale which constantly blew in the faces of the Garryowen men, and this was the deciding factor in the ultimate result. And if its whippins we're talkin' about, wasn't 25 points last year a proper whippin' ?

Comrade X - Running DOG !

Comrade Y - SPLITTIST !

Chair - ORDER ! ORDER !

Security Guard - Lads, I'm afraid I'll have to ask the five of ye to leave. Ye're disturbing the other customers.

Comrade K- Can I get my happy meal to go then, Paulie?

Comrade X - ' THERE IS AN ISLE...."

Comrade P - *Sigh*. Yes Keith.

Fresh Meat by Quinny

Har Har. Yer a right funny bunch altogether. No, I wasn't in Ballinrobe, and no, that's not myself showin' a fair turn of speed in the black cap.
If anyone has that farmer's phone number, though, I'd like to make him an offer for the bull. Lively fella, isn't he?

The Mumps

So called over to Rob's house with a bottle of 7up and a box of roses. He was lying in his bedroom with the curtains drawn.
"Luke? Is that you, Luke?"
He couldn't recognise me because of the surgical mask, ya know? No need to take any chances.
"Hey Robbo, how you doin' ?"
" How do you think I'm doin'? I can't move me neck, me jaws kiling me, me nads are swollen and I'm completely dehydrated."
" Just like playing Munster, then?"
He didn't see the funny side.
"I thought your plums didn't swell until a few days after the primary infection, if then?" I asked.
He looked at me.
" I may have had a chat with Dr. Phil before I came over." I admitted.
"Hmm. Anyway, that may be true of normal mumps but I seem to have primary and secondary symptoms all at the same time."
I could see where this was going.
" Is that your new Audi out the front ?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"All at the same time, Luke ! I'm cursed, is what it is, cursed!"
"Don't be stupid. You've just been unlucky, is all."
I decided that this had gone on long enough.
"Rob." I told him, " This has to stop. He's only human."
"No, no. " he said, forgetting for a moment and trying to shake his head. It was funny, but this was a team-mate in trouble.
So I told him a few home truths. I spoke about the lack of a schools rugby medal. I made him admit that he had thought that maybe, just maybe, the Cuz had been carrying a bit of weight last season. Finally, I showed him that old O2 Ad (I have it stored on my ipod) several times. Even he had to smile.
By the time I left he was feeling better. It's good to do something nice for the afflicted. No wonder Dr. Phil is a Dr.
I stopped to admire the new Audi in the drive on the way back to my car. Then the skies darkened, and a loud buzzing noise filled the air.
As I drove away, a swarm of locusts was stripping the paint off it.

Unlucky, that's all.

Keiths Tour Diary

It did not feel like we had won the game.

Most days we are players who suffer for the team.

Last night we were a team who were suffering for a player.

Get better soon, Tomas.

MESSAGE FROM HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED

THIS SIGHT PLEASETH ME NOT.
I DECLARE IT AN ABOMINATION ONTO MY PEOPLE.
THAT IS ALL.

My Third Tour Diary, By Keith

This morning Paulie showed me a picture of himself with some oompah loompahs ! ! !

I did not believe him at first because they are not blue. But he told me that they only turn blue around chocolate. Paulie knows everything! The Oompah on the right looks very grumpy.

Fla asked Paulie why he did not wear a suit for the press conference. Paul said that suits were the costume of the bourgoisie oppressors and he would not stain the memory of the proud men of the Limerick Soviet by wearing one. Micko asked him if he kept the tackies and Paulie said Of course ! because if property is theft therefore theft is property and he would like to see them try and take them back off him.

I asked him if the Bourgoisie Oppressors were the same as the IRFU oppressors what kept proud Munster men down for so long. He told me that that was a good Marxian insight and ruffled my hair and said that if I kept it up he would bring me to a party meeting ! ! !
I hope it is in Mc Donalds because partys there are only brilliant !!!

Paulie is my Best Friend.

Quinnys Tour Blog

So I figured out a solution to the whole bullock / jersey issue. Called back to The Bull's.
"Listen Bull.' says I, getting straight down to it. " Had an idea. You know the way people paint their sheep in their county colours when they get to the finals?"
Bull looked up from stroking the bullock that was curled-up in his lap. He considered it for a second, shook his head.
Back to the drawing board.

Legal Correspondance

Dear Sir/Madam,
I have been instructed to write to you on behalf of Rob K<Name Deleted>. He asked me to clarify that his relationship with You-Know-Who is a friendly one based on mutual respect and professional regard, and not based on gibbering, animal terror, as implied by the recent posting of Luke F<Name Deleted>.
My client further asked me to take the opportunity to point out that although he was present when 'The Proposal' took place ( his job was to release the turtle doves at the appropriate juncture), he had no hand, act or part in the subsequent revelations made to the press, to whit and viz;

That flower petals were used to spell out ' YOU WILL MARRY ME' on the lucky lady's lawn.

My client points out that he is from Dundalk, and has never spoken to a journalist in his life without a translator present.
My client now wishes to draw a line under this whole affair and move forward.
Yours Sincerely,

Rodney Du Pris, S.C.

P.S. - On a personal note, any chance of a ticket for Croker? Due to an amusing little misunderstanding, I attempted to book 600 tickets on the day, and although the boys in Donnybrook are sympathetic, their hands are tied. Keep me in mind, anyway.
Toodles, Rod.

My Second Lions Tour Diary by Keith

I got home and told Mam I was going to Africa to play with De Lyons. She went mad ! saying that Africa is full of diseases and that I would come home looking like the Elephant Man. I said I did not know who it was and she showed me a picture of him. This is the picture.



She made me look at it until I promised that I would not go to Africa. When I stopped crying she told me that I was her special fella and she gave me 20 Euro to get two fish and chips in Donkey Ford's. I had a strawberry and cream chupa chup for desert. My favourite!
But I am worried what Paulie will say when he hears.

My Lions Tour by Quinny

I was up on the The Bulls farm when I got the phonecall. What I like to do in the few weeks before any Leinster game is head up there and pick out a particularly game young bullock. The Bull puts a blue no.10 jersey on it for me that I had specially made in Hong Kong a while back. (You should see him rubbing them on the tummy when he has them upside down by the four legs. They love it.) Then I'll spend a few hours in the back field with it, twisting an ol' ear here, fingers in the nostrils there, 'til its good an' het up. Its just a bit of fun, like. They enjoy the excercise.
Anyway, I was practising my Spanish on the bullock, whispering in its ear, like, ( did you know that De Puta Madre means cool in Spanish, while Tu Puta Madre means something else entirely? Amazing what you learn as a professional.) when the phone rang. I had the bullock pinned so I answered it. Turned out it was Warden Gateland, offerin' me a place on the Lions. I thought it was Donners taking the piss, and told him if it was I'd cut off a finger for every minute of my time he'd wasted, but in the end he convinced me.
So anyway when I finished The Bull was looking over the gate at me. He'd heard me thanking Warden and asking if anyone else from Munster was going. He cocked his head, and I shook mine, regretfully. He didnt say anthing, just sighed and turned away, a bullock under each oxter. I could tell he was hurting, but I had my own problems.
Does anyone know where I can find a Saffer jersey big enough for a bullock?

OMG ! OMG! by Luke

Dude. Was toolin round the green, ya?, when his Bodness manifested via the mobile. 'Cuz !' I said, turning down Elbow and waving at some chick while adjusting the hairdo. He told me to shut the fu*k up. Its a thing we do, ya know? We're like that, really.
"Listen." He goes. "You're a Lion. Don't think it means anything, cos it doesn't."
I nod, smile and give him an old thumbs up, forgetting I'm on the phone, ya? But He knows. He always knows.
"Rob is with you, isn't he?" He says then. The K-man is sitting next to me, but he's drawing his finger across his throat and shaking his head and the sweat is running off him. Its disgusting, really, but he's always like that about the Bodster. I'm just considering whether to risk a lie when the Voice comes down.
"Tell that little pissant he's made it too, and that I KNOW WHAT HE DID."
Rob can hear the last bit, and he goes green and a little whimper escapes him, the woofter. I decide to try and head this off at the pass.
" Thanks for the news, Cuz." I said. " Grand Slam winning Captain, and now captaining the Lions too, eh? You must be soooooo stoked!"
There's a click on the end of the line, and a distant rumble of thunder. Rob gets out of the car and starts running. As if that would help.

My First Lions Tour Diary, by Keith

Tony called me to the office today to tell me I am on a team called De Lyons. I told him I was very happy and that I loved their tea. He gave me a Funny Look. He told me they wear red, so I guess they must be OK. He told me I must not lose my Focus for the remaining games in the Heineken Cup. I told him I do not have a Focus, I has a Starlet. He gave me another Funny Look.

Later, Quinnie told me there will be some fellas from outside Munster on the team who are not from New Zealand or wherever Mafi comes from. Quinnie told me not to speak to the Leinster boys, as they were a bad lot who might 'Give me ideas' and that I might 'Get above myself'. Spent the rest of the day trying to stay under myself. This is not easy.