You have to Laugh by Donners

What is the difference between ROG and a fisherman?
A fisherman sometimes catches things with his tackle.

Ba Boom - TISH.

Sorry, ROG. You know its the Munster way, though.
Here's another.

Take a scratch team, give them the shortest possible time to prepare, make them play weak provincial sides while you keep your best players on the sidelines, play your first test at sea level and your second on top of a mountain, and then celebrate like loons when you manage to beat them by a total of eight points.

Ba Boom....
That one looses a little in translation from the Afrikaans, I think.

Sorry Tommy by DONNERS

Yeah, sorry about that Tommy, boy. Hands up, myself and Rog took you and Croftie's beds.
Thing is like, it wasn't actually a prank. For some reason I came over with a case of bad homesickness on Wednesday night. Face on me! And I was sittin', lookin' out the window at the rain on THursday, when ROG comes over and asks me why I'm looking like a bulldog thats licked piss of a nettle.
His colourful turns of phrase have improved no-end since he started hangin' out with the boyos.
Any, I says to him, " Rog Boy, I've got an awful case of the blues. I'm missing home, like! ".
And he goes, " Don't talk to me boy. Came over me too, Wednesday. Know what it is?"
I shook my head.
"Bonna Night, boy, Bonna Night ! "
When he siad it it all made sense. The smell of burning tyres, the yelpin' dogs, the scream of the fire-brigade sirens. Sub-conciously, or whatever, I was missin' it.
"Jayzis Rog, thats it now boy! We've missed it. "
"Well," he said. " No reason why we can't have a bonna over here, is there?"
" A Boer Bonna !"
" Spot on ! "
Well, now, as every cork feen'll tell ya, a bonna isn't a bonna without a few ol' mattresses. And sure while we were there, the bases didn't look like they'd been replaced in years. Rog insisted on folding everything before we left. He's fussy like that.
So anyway, before two long the first African Bonna was burnin' pretty well on a piece of waste ground behind the hotel. The locals got into the spirit o' the thing, too, pitched up with a few more tyres, a bit of ol' wood and about a million songs. Me and ROG did our version of 'De Banks', but we only knew those two lines that everyone knows. The locals gave us a cheer though.
Then a fire brigade came and everyone booed and whistled and ROG called them ol' killjoys and would they like to come over and fight a true corkman. Turns out they didn't have a problem with that so me and ROG had to take to our heels fairly handy and get over the fence back into the compound. It was like bein' fifteen again.
All in all, a daycent evenin' and I'm all set to go again.

So sorry, Tommy. I'll bring you to a bonna next year, it'll make up for it. I'll even through in an ol' can o' Dutch Gold. Can't say fairer than that, can I ?

Our Bonna

The Baron, By LUKE

Yesterday I went into the lounge and who was there with his netbook open and a piece of paper in front of him but the Robster.
"Robbie? Whats shakin' ?"
"Oh hey Luke. Nothin' much. Just working on my nickname?"
"Your nickname? I thought it was Stinky?"
" I thought I asked you never to mention that?" He goes, all hostile. "That was a family thing. No, you heard them chanting BEAST, BEAST, BEAST the other night?"
Sure did. I nodded.
"Well, the agent reckons if I can come up with something that good, it wouldn't do my brand recognition any harm at all."
Ignoring the ten minutes I spent calling him a tool for using a phrase like 'brand recognition', I had to eventually admit he had a point. Or his agent.
" Alright then, " I said, " What have you got so far? "
"Well only two so far. You ready? Number one. Rob ' The Beast' Kearney."
He looked at me. I looked at him.
"Ok, so its taken. I was just warming up. Ready?"
"Hello, born ready? Lay it on me."
"Rob 'The Baron' Kearney."
I looked at him. He looked at me.
"Why?" I said, eventually. "Do you have some actual connection with Royalty, or something?"
"No, no. Look, its Rob, as in Robber, as in Robber Baron."
He looked at me like a spaniel, waiting for its kicking. I sat back, and thought about Anglo Irish, BOS, and the economy generally. Where to begin. I shook my head.
"Rob, " I Said, " That is pure......GOLD. Dude, how did you come up with that?"
His shoulders slumped, relieved. He smiled, tried to look modest.
"English was always my best subject."
"Not history? No, English, obviously. Obviously. Man, you should start using it straight away.If only you had some way to get it out there, to the people. Then they could cheer you on at the next test. "
"Yeah," he said. " Pity, that. "
We sat in silence. I looked significantly at the netbook.
"Dude !" He said. " I could change my facebook profile!"
"Perfect ! " I said. " Get to it, dude ! "
I left him at it.
Its an attack of the guilts that got me blogging about it here. Apparently he got an awful slagging from the family & friends. But hey, thats what happens on tour. Pranking. Everyone is fair game.

Called Up By Luke

A good team spirit is important so I'll just say this once.

EAT THAT KEARNEY !
WHO'S THE MIDWEEK MONKEY BOY NOW ?


(And yes, I am aware that its neither of us, but I feel the need to say it anyway. )

Shark Burgers by Keith

I am feeling a little more special after my try. Paulie told me that individual effort even in an ultimately unsuccessful cause can be heroic, like the Great Patrick Sarsfield and his resistance against the Williamite hordes in 1690. He said that was a draw too. Then he rubbed my head and said I was a proper little scamperer altogether and he gave me a chuppa chup. I was happy then.

Today at the team meeting there was a lot of talk about Burgers. Apparently they have Shark Burgers here, and they are big, meaty, and tasty with ball in hand. I guess that you must eat them after games, or somethin' . I wonder if they are as good as Donkey Ford's Salad Burger?
I asked Donners about it. I said " Donners, wouldn't a Burger like that have a lot of teeth?"
He said " Not after I'm finished with him."
I did not understand what he meant.

New Drill - By Luke

Well, there is still technically a chance I guess that I'll make the team on Saturday but lets face it, its slimmer than Kate Moss after a fortnight round Pete Doherty's place. And bloody Kearney's being insufferable. Calling me his Midweek Monkey-boy and asking me to wash his boots. Last pair ended up in the bidet. I guess they're useful for something other than washing your nethers. The bidet, I mean, not the boo.... Movin' on.
Anyway, was not the happiest in today's training. But Howley was pretty chipper when he came out. We should have known something was up. He lined us up on the 22.
" Right guys. Having reviewed the tapes and spoken to some experts at home, we have identified an area that we can certainly improve. Back to basics jobbie. "
We all nodded. Scrum work, I figured. Or the breakdown.
"Now, when I call your name, you come out, catch the ball when I pass it to you and do exactly what I tell you. Got it? "
We nodded, shaped up.
"OK, UGO ! " he called.
Moyne took off like a scalded cat towards him. Caught the ball fairly handy.
" Keep going !" Howley screeched. " Over the line over the line over the line annnnnnnnd TOUCH IT DOWN ! "
Ugo trotted back, looking pretty sheepish.
"Now lads, not that f***ing hard, is it? " Said Howley, pretty sharp.
We all looked at our feet. I don't know about the others, but I was trying not to laugh.
" Lets try it again, shall we?" he said. " Who shall I pick? Misterrrrrrr Phillips ! ....."
Made them do it ten or so times each.
Maybe being a dirt tracker isn't so bad, sometimes.

Battle of the Bulls by Keith

The Bull is here ! He brought me two new bags of Chuppa chups! Specially for me! This was nice, because I have been not feeling special out here lately. But Paulie took me aside when I did not make the test team and gave me a hanky to wipe my face and made me blow my nose and told me that ''he also serves who only stands and waits''. I thought that I had been given the job of team waiter and walked around with a napkin over my arm for three hours taking drinks orders before Paulie explained it some more to me.
Anyway, waiting will be easier with Bull here. Sometimes he picks me up by my ankles and swings me around until I feel sick ! I like that. When he got here I showed him the room and asked him about Quinnie and showed him the computer games and the pool table and the table-tennis table.
Then we bumped into Phil Vickery.
" Bull ! " I said. " This is Phil. He is also called Bull! Isn't that funny?"
The room went very quiet. My Bull raised one eyebrow. Phil Vickery Bull frowned.
Then they both reached out and shook hands.
There was a rumbling noise. A large crack ran across the ceiling of the room and down one wall.
Dust fell from it. The two Bulls stood in the middle while the room shook around them.
Then it was quiet again.
"Actually Keith, " Phil said, " They used to call me Raging Bull."
He sighed.
"Used to. " He said then, and looked a bit sad.
The quiet then was what is called awkward.
My Bull reached across and laid a hand on his shoulder.
" Will again." He said. " Mr Vickery. "
"Thank you." Phil said. " Mr Hayes."

Then we went out to find Paulie.

Last Instructions by Quinnie

He was just showing me how to work the flatscreen and dvd in the parlour. The milking parlour, like. He shows them League of Ireland highlights on a continuous loop. Practically puts them to sleep. Slip on the old suckers and off you go.
" So let me get it straight now, Bull." Says I. " Tuesdays and Thursdays, the aromatherapist comes at 7 for the heifers and milk cows. "
He nodded.
" Wednesdays and Fridays they get acupuncture."
He nodded.
"And on Thursdays the bullocks get water therapy."
He nodded.
" And the rest of the week the physio comes to massage them. "
He nodded.
"Game ball." I said.
There were farm aid people in to do the donkey work. Bull just wanted me to watch to make sure his extras were kept up.
We were walking out when I noticed it in the corner. Its a big parlour.
"Bull!" I said. " Is that what I think it is."
He smiled shyly and nodded again.
"So you knew all along !"
He gave a waggle of his shovel like hand.
"No harm in being prepared." He rumbled.
"True enough. " I said.
I looked at it a bit longer.
"Where do you even buy a hypobaric chamber, anyway, Bull?" I asked.
He'd already moved on though.

The Bull - A Musical Tribute

To dream the impossible dream,
To fight the unbeatable foe,
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go;





To right the unrightable wrong.
To love, pure and chaste, from afar,
To try, when your arms are too weary,
To reach the unreachable star!



This is my Quest to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far,
To fight for the right
Without question or pause,
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause!


And I know, if I'll only be true
To this glorious Quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest.





And the world will be better for this,
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach the unreachable stars!

Captains Speech, By Donners.

The name is Donners. Captain Donners. The Don. The Cap-don !

Ten-hut ! 'tEase !
Well, lads, I can see we've plenty to work on. Later.

Don't worry, lads, I won't be letting it change me. I'm still the hilarious, handsome, giant of a man you've all come to know and love over the last few weeks. A simple salute will be sufficient in the halls, standing to attention only necessary in group situations.

At all other times I would like you to treat me as just one of you men. Well, a man who's orders you will follow til the ends of the Earth. Or even Limerick Junction. Whichever comes last. But still a man, is my point.

I know there will be times when you will doubt your abilities to reach the high standards which I will demand of you. How, you might ask yourselves, could I possibly fill the shoes of the man who once played a game of professional rugby in his jocks ? A man who put it all on the line like that? But remember this, I wouldn't be asking any sham to do anything I didn't think he could do. Just close your eyes, picture me in my red jocks, and push on. Think of me as inspiration. An exemplar, if you will. W,W, Donners, D, if you get me. Got me? Grand!

Now, lads, drop and gimme twenty.
Euro.
Each.

Cheers!

Its good to be the Captain.

Donners to G Henson, Email

Dear Gavin,

Wish you were here. Hi to yer wan !

Donners.

P.S. - What do you think of me tan? Shouldn't have taken the picture at night, maybe.

BOD and ROB by Luke

Sorry about the , whatsit, hiatus in recent posts. I have been sequestered with my Legal people. I've spent thousands to learn what I'm about to tell you now:
Never do business ( or beeesnez) with a man who puts a jug of Margarita on the table before you've even sat down.
So anyway, was doing my video analysis yesterday when Rob came up. There was something different about him. Took me a minute. The aroma. It was gone.
"Rob, man. YOu don't smell of charred meat anymore. What gives ?"
He looked surprised.
"Dude. That shite is over. Haven't you heard? He can't actually walk on water ? I mean, actually!"
He filled me in. The Cuz took a wrong turn at an embassy confab and stepped in some paddling pool, or something. I was on the phone to my agent telling him what I thought of him at the time, so I didn't see it.
"Man, " he said. " I don't mind telling you, its like a weight off my mind. When I look back at the way I was behaving..."
He shook his head.
"Its good to have you back, dude. " I said.
"Yeah. I know now your cousin's just one of the goys, you know. I'm going to put that in my blog."
Mention of his blog, well, it doesn't make what I did next alright, it just explains it. The thought of him earning money off his...
"So the cuz changed his shoes, did he?" I asked, innocently enough.
" Well, yeah, I guess. " he shrugged.
" Cos it must have been awkward walking around with wet socks, and shoes, and probably trousers aswell."
" I dunno, I didn't really notice...." He said.
"You didn't notice?"
" No. I dunno, it was one of the Jones's that made a big deal about it on the way home. The tall one who won't stop torturing us with his guitar." He was frowning now, like, what gives?
" So he walked into a pool of water and you didn't notice anything in his, like, clothes, or way of walking, or anything?"
"Well, no, now that you mention it..."
"Hmmm." I said, sitting back. " You don't think.....No. Its probably nothing."
" What's nothing ? " He asked, definitely worried.
"Well, I was just wondering, it wouldn't be like, a test of faith, or something?"
"A what ? " He asked, his face going pale.
"Like that guy in the Bible, you know, he had to kill his son with a burning bush, or whatever?"
"Abraham." He said distantly.
"Yeah, that guy." I said.
Rob got up.
"Excuse me. " He said, glassy-eyed. " I think I might go volunteer for barbeque duty later. "
I nodded.
"I'll get there early, then." I said to his retreating back.

Amn't I a stinker?

Bye Leigh and Stephen.

When I hurt my shoulder when that saffer fell on me it hurt. And then I had to have massages three times a day. They are called deep tissues massages. Because you need a lot of tissues afterwards, you are crying so much. They hurt worse than a chinese burn. Phil Pask is our physiotherapist. He would laugh when he was doing it. This also hurt.

It does not hurt worse than loneliness, though.

Legal Correspondance 2

Dear Mr Fitzgerald,

I have been asked to write to you on behalf of Mr. Loco Comico of Lococomico inc..

I write in a professional capacity but pro bono and informally, as Mr Comico is a noted philanthropist, running an urban goat sanctuary from the rooftop of his office building, where young lads from deprived areas of the city get to learn vanishing skillsets such as goat herding and cheese making, thus boosting their self-esteem. You may have read about his project recently in the papers. An unfortunate incident, but then the only animal these lads see on roofs are pigeons. It was lucky that truck was passing, and I believe the driver stopped to refuel somewhere around Newry and heard the bedraggled 'baa'-ing coming from the roof of his trailer. The goat is now well on the mend.

As you can imagine I was shocked to hear you were attempting to break a formal agreement to provide content to Mr Comico's latest venture, especially as you appear to have an airtight agreement. Admittedly, I've never seen one written on a napkin from the four seasons bar before, in what appears to be blood. Nonetheless it is a contract, signed by you, and woud cost you quite a pretty penny if you tried to break it. I urgently, er, urge you to put behind you what ever little grievance you may have with Senor Comico and get on with providing the service you agreed to. Or else the 30 or 40 k you're on out there might come to seem a small and trifling sum indeed compared to your legal fees.

Believe me. I know.

Yours Sincerely,

Rodney Du Pris.


P.S., On a personal note, well done on putting the Turnip-munchers back in their place. I managed to get a ticket thanks to the good offices of an old amigo and had a great view of your try. Nearly spilled my brandy ! Huzzah ! ! !

Duke Duke Duke by Keith

Duke,
Duke,
Duke,
Duke of Earls,
Duke,
Duke,
Duke of Earls
Duke,
Duke,
Duke of Earls
Duke
Duke

Stephen played this for me on his laptop. He said it is my team tune now. And he called me Duke. Maybe I have found my nickname at last. It is not as good as The Claw, but still.

A Joke by Keith

Why dosen't Tarzan play cards in The Jungle?
Because there are too many 'cheetahs'.

I wish I had known that one before the game. Donners told me and Leigh it and we laughed. When Donners went away Leigh said it was the oldest one in the book and I said Yeah ! though I was not sure what book he meant. Maybe the joke book. I will ask someone later.

I got a try and Paulie ruffled my hair which was a bit embarrassing in front of Leigh. He said I would get my treat later and I said Yeah, Cool. Leigh said What is your treat? And I said a nice strawberry and cream chuppa chup. Leigh said he liked cola ones better. I said maybe I did too.

But I don't really. I just want Leigh to be my friend. My best friend.

One-on-one with Paulie, by Keith

Paulie took me to one side after breakfast.
"What makes a great player, Keith?" He asked me.
"Character, Paulie." I said.
"And how do we come to know our character, Keith?"
"Through adversity, Paulie."
"Thats right Keith. And what is character, Keith?"
"It is our destiny, Paulie."
"Good, Keith. So in order to reach our destiny what do we have to do ?"
"Triumph over adversity, Paulie."
"Good lad. And who is bigger than the team?"
"No-one, Paulie."
"Thats right. So, lets see you embrace your destiny, today, Keith." He put his hand on my shoulder. "I believe in you."
" Thank you Paulie."

I love Paulie.

Lococomico Enterprises, inc.

- Hello, Lococomico Inc, how may I help you?
- Yeah, let me speak to the man.
- Certainly. Who may I say is calling?
- Luke.
-And will he know what its in connection with?
- My boot's connection with his arse.
-Certainly sir. Please hold.
{ Rustling sound as if a phone is being held to someones chest. Unidentified farm animal. The muffled noise of someone clearing his throat after speaking in falsetto. }
-Luuuuuke. Amigo, que tal?
- Don't speak Mexican to me, you mook, I know you're not from there.
- Amigo, I sense some hostility. What's up? Altitude got you down.
- Where's the money you promised me ?
- Luke, we're still in set up, pal. Our Click Through Rate is still pretty abysmal and the Adsense account took some time to get up and running due to a small administrative error....
-What kind of administrative error?
-One of the goats pee'd on the computer. One of those things.
-Goats? Your office is in Merrion Square !
- Well, you know, free grass, rich bohemian types, two and two makes....' Merrion Square Boutique Goats Cheese'. You want in on the ground floor, amigo?
- Just give me the figures.
- Sure, sure. Well, one goat produces about 8 gallons of milk a day. Free fodder equals pure profit, my man ! I have a friend who works in the Phoenix if we want to expand...
-FOR THE BLOG, you numpty.
- What? Oh, sorry. Well, since I dried out the hard drive and got the account set up, we've had approximately seven or eight thousand page impressions.
- Really? That sounds pretty good ! How much did that earn us?
- Just a sec. I'll just check to see if its changed. Yes. Hey, wow, its doubled!
- Doubled ! Great, lay it on me.
- Two cents.
- What? The line must have gone dodgy there. I thought you said two cents.
- Well, I'm afraid I did say two cents, Luke. I can't lie to you.
- Two cents? Two lousy cents! I've worked my ass off for one, er, fiftieth?, yeah , fiftieth, of a EURO!
- Well, one fiftieth of a dollar. They're American. With the exchange rate...
- Thats it. We're done. Don't call me back. And tell my agent he's a moron if you see him.
- Wait Luke, don't do anything hasty. It could pick up. People could actually click through to buy, you know, Sky Sports subscriptions or, err, Lyons Tea charity, ummm, giveaways. I thought you wanted to communicate directly with your fans....
- Goodbye.
*Click*
{Beep. Beep. Beep. Phone is hung up. Phone is picked up. Number is dialled.}
- Hello, is that Screwley, Naylum, and Billum? Can I speak to Rodney du Pris, please? Tell him its Senor Comico calling in that favour. Will I hold? Certainly.
{ Greensleeves. Maniacal Laughter swelling to a crescendo of Mwah HA HAWs. End. }

Rob and the Blog, By Luke

I was on my way out to work on the ol' ran-tan by the pool when I saw Rob in the corner of the hotel bar with a netbook in front of him.
"Man, " I said, " Donners is out there lashing on the baby oil and getting even browner? Why are you stuck in here like some sort of Clongowes swot-boy? "
" Chillax, man, I'll be out in a like, a sec. Just checking to see what I've written on my website?" he said.
"You have a website?" I said to him.
" Affermerino." He said. " Take a look."
I scanned it. As much as I could.
"Rob, I'm actually speechless?" I said.
" Cheers." He said.
I never actually thought I could be more bored than the two weeks I spent doing Arts in UCD, but the two minutes reading Robs blog passed more slowly than an Eddie Rockets burger through my small intestine.
"Write it yourself?" I said, to cover the awkward silence that was looming on the horizon like a friendly pocket battleship.
" Hell no." He said. " I take a more hands off approach. Talk to a fella for five minutes on the phone, he polishes it up, makes it more interesting, and posts it. Its really just a money spinning thing, anyway. Get a few bucks for the sponsorship, and it might lead to a spot on the box in a few years, the agent says. "
" The Box? " I asked.
" Yeah. How does this sound. Hookie, Popey and Kearney-ee. "
He wrote in front of him with his hands.
" Yeah, er, great." I said.
"What kind of deal you on with that blog you do?" He said. "Must be good for a few spondoolicks, eh? "
"Must it? I mean, yeah, you know, it must. My, errr, agent handles all that. "
"Cool." he siad, nodding sagely.
"Cool." I said. " If you'll excuse me, I have to make a phone call. "

My New Best Friend by Keith

There is a new lad on the tour. His name is Lee 1/2p. He is from Wales. Wales is like Ireland only wetter, Paulie says. He must be jokin'. On the pitch today 1/2p was looking up at the sky and looking worried. I told him that he should not worry that it was called the sun and that it was a long way away and would not fall down or nothin'. He said he thought that was what it was but he hadn't been sure he thought it might be a space time anomaly or somethin' like in Star Trek the time the bad lads blew up the Vulcan home world. Then we both did live long and prosper with our fingers.
Now we are best friends and talk about Halo and stuff and no-one knows what we mean cos they are all old farts. That is what Lee said. He is funny.
I like having a new best friend.

Rugby is confusing by Keith

I said to Wally last night that I had forgotten who we are playing next.

" De Lions." he said.
"But we are De Lions" I said.
"We are the British and Irish Lions, Keith." He said.
"Then who are these other fellas?" I said.
" The Golden Lions." He said.
"Should that not be the Lyons Golden Labels?" I said.
"What?" He said.
"What?" I said.
"Look, Keith. We play the Golden Lions and then we play the Cheaters." He said
" The cheaters!" I said. "Leicester? I hates them shower."
"No Keith, CheeeTAH's. Like the big cat, you know?" He said.
" No." I said.
" A cheetah is a big cat like a lion or a tiger, Keith." He said.
"So we are the Lions." I said.
"Yes Keith." He said
" And we are playing the Golden Lions." I said.
"Yes Keith." He said.
"And then we are playing the Cheetahs what are like the Lions but not Leicester." He said.
"Yes Keith." He said.
"That is a lot of Lions, Wally." I said.
"It is Keith." He said.
"Is their any team not called the Lions or any name to do with them?" I said
"There is Keith. There's the Sharks." He said.
" Sharks ! I loves Sharks, Wally." I said.
" Who doesn't, Keith?" He said
" They have so many teeth and if the loose one they grow another one and they eat everything and have to keep swimming or they drown. Fair mad, a fish who drowns, Wally !"
I said.
" That's amazing, Keith " He said. "They're like the lions of the sea."
"Yeah" I said.
I thought about Sharks for a while.
"What was I askin' you, Wally?" I said.
" If I wanted a chuppa chup, Keith." He said
" What !" I said
"Honest to God, Keith." He said.

Wally is an awful spoofer.
But I gave him a chuppa chup anyway.

Alteetude, by Keith

My shoulder is ok thank you for asking. I will not be able to play next week. I am sorry that I did not play as well as I should have against the Royals. I think it might have been because of the alteetude. This is the height of the land. Paulie explained it to me. Even though the land looks the same it is actually higher here. I think this is how Steven managed to hurt himself getting off the Bus. If the land is higher then the bus must have been higher so therefore he had longer to step. He did not remember and strained his thigh. This is logic.

Stephen calls me a Nicaraguan because I am from South of the Border. I asked him what someone from North of the Border is called. He said, "Lucky". So I called him Lucky for a while but he does not laugh at that now. I will call him Stephen from now on.

Paulie told me not to worry about the alteetude, that I would become used to it. So I do not worry about it. He did tell me what would happen to me if I wandered off again, so that is what I will worry about from now on.

Thank you.